Arguing with my own brain

I'm finding that my brain has turned into a bit of a toddler. I love reading, especially about psychology and anthropology, but something in my brain seems to resent being told what to read. It avoids reading something on the set list in favour of reading a different article relating to psychology. I end up arguing with my own brain which has suddenly become a three year old. Something like this:

Brain: "But I want to read THIS instead! I'll read that later... first I want to read this psychology magazine, a bit of that novel, this 200 comment thread... THEN I'll read the homework stuff."

Me: "Come on brain! It's only two chapters! Read this, then read the fun stuff. You'll find this piece interesting anyway, it's psychology and anthropology! You love this stuff!

Brain: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" [stamps metaphorical foot].

Me: "Come on brain. You're even reading about psychology now, just read this other bit about psychology that we have to read first..."

Brain: "NO!! I WANNA READ THIS!! YOU CAN'T MAKE ME! AND IF YOU TRY THEN I JUST WON'T PAY ATTENTION AND YOU'LL HAVE TO READ IT LOADS OF TIMES BEFORE I'LL BOTHER TRYING TO PROCESS IT. SO THERE. JUST ONE MORE  SIDETRACK FIRST. WWWAAAAA!"

Me: "[sigh] Brain, you are a pervert. If I HAD to read that post, you'd be avoiding it by reading the material we've been assigned."

Brain: [sucks thumb] "I'm an intellectual rebel."

The Myth of Mental Illness and Other Stories

I've been given a Christmas gift that may well turn my worldview upside down. A book called The Myth of Mental Illness: Foundations of a Theory of Personal Conduct, by Thomas Szasz. Now while the gift was a tongue in cheek jab at my chosen profession, I'm actually very grateful, because while I'm familiar with some of the arguments Szasz made, I haven't yet read any of his work.

I agree with some of Szasz' arguments - it's hard to disagree given the barbarities that have been carried out in the name of 'curing' mental health issues. While we may have (mostly) moved on from believing that epilepsy is due to demonic possession, it isn't so long ago that people were locked away for 'illnesses' such as hysteria (read: women who disobey a man) being gay, being a bit different or having a learning disability. To  this day, we still have to fight for equal treatment for many of the above groups, and there are dangers inherent in labelling a certain behaviour as a mental illness without accounting for biology, culture and social factors.

I firmly believe that there are medical and biological reasons for many, if not most mental illnesses. To take the post below about psychopathy, we can now see a difference in the brain structure of psychopaths thanks to brain imaging technology, and even isolate contributing genes. Psychopathy is not a myth. I feel confident that as our technology and understanding increases, we will discover far more about the true underpinnings of biologically based illnesses, and also about "problems with living", to borrow a term from Szasz, that may arise as a result of personal difficulties or social factors of our complex and highly social species.

I personally view the purpose of a diagnosis as an attempt to medicalise conditions that would have previously been written off simply as 'crazy'. The idea is to remove the stigma, and view problems with the brain with the same legitimacy as we do heart disease or diabetes. It becomes a tool because we can then tailor treatment and offer the right resources to help that person. This is a comfort to many, but does also carry the risk of labelling people as malfunctioning, and removing aspects of their free will, by enforcing help that they may not want, with the authority and legitimacy of experts and doctors. Even with the best of intentions, and without a conscious effort to exert social control, we could easily slip into overconfidence in our 'medical diagnosis' and 'psychological expertise', believing it to be for the persons own good. We've done it before, and it's distinctly possible that we may continue to do it.

I'm a little nervous about picking up this book, since my very expensive degree is based on going into the mental health field! However, I'm also excited about it. One reason I am driven to go into psychology professionally is that I've spent five years or so working as a support worker for adults with learning difficulties, many of whom also have autism; a neurological difference which has in its short history since the original description and classification been subjected to much pseudoscience and damaging 'treatments' aimed at 'fixing' the people diagnosed with it. While I love the work and the people involved, I see many flaws in the system that I was powerless to change while a lowly support worker. As a psychologist, I may be able to do more to fight the  inequalities within the system.

If nothing else, it's about time I read some books by Szasz, given his influence on society. Who knows, if it has a strong impact on me, I may be handing out copies to people next Christmas myself.

Mad? Bad? Or Charismatic Leaders and Bad Boys? (and Girls!)

When studying psychology, it's rather tempting to apply your newly-acquired knowledge to any and all around you, and mentally diagnose, in a very unprofessional way, any aberrant behaviour you come across. Of course this applies to ourselves also (I'm neurotic with just a dash of OCD, according to my own peculiar and non-professional mental DSM), but what about when the matters you are attempting to understand apply directly to your own life? Is there a danger of applying our unqualified opinion to a person in real life and doing more harm than  good?

Recently a very good friend of mine became romantically entangled with a man. As the months went by, the more I heard about him, the more worried I became. Being a survivor of emotionally abusive relationships myself, I felt helpless when seeing my friend emotionally abused by this man.

My usual approach when it comes to supporting anyone else is just to listen and be there for emotional support, offer the same support that I needed during my own difficulties. I've learned that throwing unsolicited advice around isn't the most helpful approach, and is often motivated more by our own desire to give the "right" answer than as support for the person we're trying to help. They likely know as much about their options as you do, and far more about themselves and what they want to do, whether you agree with their choice or not.

That being said, I also feel that part of the duty of being a friend is giving an honest opinion. We've all had friends who will tell you only what they think you want to hear, and while that feels pretty good, it doesn't help when you want an honest opinion. Another friend of mine is wonderfully kind and will do anything for anyone, but is also a very plain speaker. If you look like hell in a new dress, she'll tell you so. Then pick out a better one for you. She was an unfailing support when I was stumbling from bad relationship to worse relationship, but also baldly stated some harsh truths I needed to hear. While her statements sometimes stung, I also highly valued her honesty, and I resolved early on to always adopt the same approach when it comes to interpersonal relationships (rather different from professional ones).

It's a fine line to tread, will vary on a case by case basis, and I am far from finding the right blend of direct and honest opinion sharing and non-judgmental support, but, as with all things, I stumble through just trying to give my best at the time based on my current knowledge, with the disclaimer that my opinions are just that: opinions, and only one of many possible viewpoints.

Back to the first friend involved with an emotionally abusive man - the reason this particular example bought this issue up for me was the genuine fear that this man might well be a psychopath. Seeing a friend being hurt in a relationship is hard enough, but with the ever growing anecdotal evidence against him, I became convinced, and remain convinced, that he displays patterns of behaviour consistent with the Dark Triad, traits that indicate a serious personality disorder: the triad consisting of narcissism, Machiavellianism and psychopathy. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_triad

Superficially charming and adept with language, yet also over a period of many months, admitted to enjoying playing mind-games, wanting total and utter loyalty and vulnerability from her but not wanting to give her the same, and demanding that she keep his loyalty and his alone, asking her to deceive everyone else in her life while being loyal only to him. Those things alone are cause for concern from anyone, displaying a level of control and selfishness that screams of an abusive partner and distinctly unhealthy patterns of relating, but there were other, even more sinister clues. His behaviour was consistent with his beliefs, demonstrating a willingness to lie to whomever he needed to, a violent temper, a keen desire to present a favourable image of himself above all other desires, unreliable and impulsive, and highly manipulative (self-reported as well as demonstrated in behaviour), and perhaps most crucially, an absolute absence of remorse or empathy.  

What to do under those circumstances? All I could do was to warn her that while I certainly am not qualified to make a diagnosis, that his behaviour was most definitely not acceptable, regardless, and that continuing to be involved with him might even be dangerous? Fortunately, she is no longer involved with him, but this brush with a suspected pathology that has so much Hollywood myth and legend surrounding it has raised more academic questions for me, now that my friends well-being is no longer under threat.

The word psychopath has us picturing serial killers in movies, or Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer. Psychopath = killer. We may refer to someone as a psychopath as a linguistic short-hand for someone who behaves in a very anti-social way, while also not really imagining that they are indeed psychopathic.While there is good reason for us to leap straight to those images since those killers do indeed exist, and are often diagnosed as psychopaths, current thought is that psychopathology is more common than we imagine, and certainly doesn't mean that all psychopaths are killers. In fact, there are theories that psychopathology has been a successful mating strategy, which would go some way to explaining why the rate of psychopathology in the general population may be as many as 1 in 100 people, and that the superficial charm and skillful manipulation employed by psychopaths makes many of them successful businessmen.

1% of the population. That sounds like a relatively small figure, but when you consider how many people you interact with on a regular basis over the course of your lifetime, it seems that all of us will have dealt with one at some time or another. Consider how many people you pass as you walk along a busy street; the statistics suggest that at least a couple of them will be psychopaths.

My personal interest in the dynamics of abusive relationships gives me a desire to understand psychopathology that goes beyond the intrigue that many of us feel when confronted with Hollywood ideas about serial killers. The danger psychopaths and sociopaths pose goes far beyond a primal fear of serial killers, because while the odds of being targeted by a serial killer are extremely low, the odds of becoming entangled in a relationship that is either physically and/or emotionally abusive are considerably higher. That psychopaths engage in manipulation without remorse while being extremely good at deception and superficial charm makes their victims even more vulnerable to exploitation.

But in general, how aware are we of the prevalence of psychopathology? Are we on guard against these types of behaviours and do we raise our children to be aware of the warning signs? Do we take the idea of these types of personality disorders seriously, or do we see them as Hollywood monsters, a very rare breed that we would spot if we ever encountered one in real life? Can psychopaths ever be treated? What do we really know about psychopathology when we separate out the reality from Hollywood scenes and our own mental pictures of what the word psychopath means?

I still believe that the man my friend became involved with had a serious personality disorder, consistent with the Dark Triad. Whether psychopathic, sociopathic, or neither of them, his behaviour is none the less unhealthy and dangerous to the emotional health of those he manipulates, if nothing else. I'm also confident that in my history of extremely unhealthy romantic relationships, at least one of the men I myself dated was a psychopath. It took me a long time to recover from the aftermath of that relationship, and I strongly suspect that other people with a history of engaging in emotionally unhealthy relationships will have a higher likelihood of having had a close encounter with a psychopath. However, this is very unscientific speculation on my part, and I have so far not been able to find much relevant research to support my hypothesis. In fact, despite the fact that rates of psychopaths are high in the criminal population and the fact that it's such a fascinating area of study and popular culture, there are more questions than answers in the literature.

Dr. Robert Hare is perhaps the leading expert on psychopathy, having devised the psychopathy checklist and written several books on the subject, he also has some rather alarming warnings to give based on his research. http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/199401/charming-psychopath 

I do not wish to scaremonger. That's my last intention, and I do not think that sensationalism is either helpful or necessary. But I do believe that more research on the nature of these particularly dangerous personality disorders is needed, and that as a society we need to converse more about the realities of psychopathy, rather than dismiss the odd case of a serial killer as a rare and unfathomable mystery. There is much I could add about genes, nature vs. nurture and fMRI scans of individuals with a diagnosis of psychopathology, and it's fascinating stuff that I'm happy to supply links to should anyone want them, but since this is pretty long as it is, so I shall leave it at that, and say that I'd love to hear from anyone who believes that they have encountered a psychopath in their own lives or comes across any research that relates to unhealthy patterns of relationships and personality disorders.

The shock of the new

One aspect of starting university that I have found both exciting and stressful in equal measure, was choosing and studying open units alongside the psychology material. I didn't realise just how stuck I was in one style of doing things, and in familiar subjects. Throwing yourself into new disciplines that want different things from you, have a whole new set of terminology and want different skills and a different way of thinking even, from you, is illuminating. I love having my ways of thinking challenged, but the past ten weeks have been a baptism of fire - due to my own perfectionist streak of course.

Now it's important to know firstly that psychology is actually quite a rigid discipline, "particularly in a Russell Group uni" as our lecturers keep reminding us. We have to write scientifically, we have to structure it a certain way, cite sources and critique them. Very little scope for any personal opinions in there. And while I'd read scientific papers written that way, writing in that style felt strange and unfamiliar at first.

But I got used to that style of essay writing pretty quickly, and the psych reading I've done over the last 13 years means I'm familiar with a lot of theory and famous studies, so I know where to look for things and have an idea of the arguments I'd like to make, and which studies support those arguments.

Because a lot of that familiarity has been built up gradually over so many years, I didn't even realise just how much it has helped me, until recently...

I chose anthropology as an open unit because I hadn't done any anthropology before, and I thought it would go nicely alongside psychology. So it does, but I didn't anticipate that a ten week course in a different discipline would stretch me so much!

It seems obvious, now, that it would be a huge amount of material to cover, and that I didn't have a grounding in that area to start with, but I was a bit naive about it!

The range of theories alone is staggering.  It covers all peoples, everywhere, and all aspects of human behaviour. AND has a very different academic approach.

I've found myself leaping in beyond my depth and desperately trying to cram my brain with theory and key figures.

It's all unfamiliar. I really, really want to understand and take it all in, and the only way to do that is to read A LOT, which has kinda knocked me sideways!

It's fascinating, but a lot to take in over a short space of time, even just at the introductory level. It's impossible to skim read at this stage, because of the unfamiliar terminology and key figures, and because each piece tends to be a 'case study' kind of affair.

I tried to explain to a friend how I felt about some of the new material, how I felt that I could almost grasp the concepts behind it, but that the detail was way above my head. Like viewing a room and being able to make out the shape and large pieces of furniture, but none of the detail and decor.

I'm a detail and decor kind of girl - I want to really get it, and see how it all fits together.

The reply was that getting the shape of the room was enough, at this stage, and sometimes the only thing possible! Keeping that in mind has helped.

We've reached the end of our ten week open unit, submitted our essays, and we have the exam after the holidays. My essay title was "Do language and culture provide in advance some basic categories for how people classify and experience their world?"

With a limit of 2000 words, that's a broad topic to cover, using a field I've only just begun to learn!

When I was drafting I found myself referring to psychological sources a couple of times. The way we break up the world into categories and how language works are fascinating areas of psychology, I found it impossible to tackle the subject without briefly delving into some psychological theory as a base to leap from. So I asked my tutor whether including some psych material would be okay. She was quite enthusiastic about it, said that as long as it was relevant, then a cross-disciplinary approach would be interesting to read.

Whether or not that will be reflected in the mark, or even be detrimental if it means that I don't have enough anthropology stuff in there, I've no idea. But it's a different academic style, most of the material is new to me, and I gave it my best shot. I personally like it, and the first year is probably the best time to try something like that, I only need a pass!

Anyway, the point is this. While I felt a bit lost and unsure how this essay would turn out, I found that relating it to the material I already knew and building from there really helped me. Not only to pull it together into a coherent argument, but now able to start skimming the anthropology pieces to see what would relate, and to finally start absorbing some of the theory and purpose behind the anthropological material.

Some of it has finally fallen into place, and that particular room now has enough light that I can just about make out the colour scheme, even while the details remain in shadow.

The grade is less important now. I enjoyed making the connections. I enjoyed finding that I had an idea of the material I wanted to use and how I wanted to fit it into the argument.

I learned a lot, particularly in terms of realising that intellectual laziness is something we all need to shake ourselves out of now and then, and the most fun way I can see to do that is to step out of our comfort zones and throw ourselves into something entirely new. That's good enough for me. :-) 

There are no words that can convey the depth of horror and grief sweeping the world as a result of the shooting in Connecticut. Thinking about what the families of those involved must be going through, and will continue to endure, is so overwhelming that many, myself included, find themselves halting their thoughts. It's too painful to even imagine, we cannot comprehend how it must feel to endure. We don't have the words to express the depth of feeling, and sending thoughts and love just feels so inadequate.

Seeing some of the shock that is reverberating around the internet, there is much anger and talk about gun control. That's a discussion that needs to happen, I have no doubt about it, but I find myself too emotional to think about it calmly, and today my focus is on the grief. We can't solve anything or be productive while reeling with horror. This article from The Onion seems to sum it up, titled: "Fuck Everything, Nation Reports". It contains more truth than any real news outlet I've seen yet today. http://www.theonion.com/articles/fuck-everything-nation-reports,30743/?ref=auto

It's natural to ask how this could happen, what can we do to help, in any small way, and also to feel so overwhelmed that nothing seems possible except sadness and a sense of despair. Despair seems the only option,but despair is the most hopeless feeling possible, and the only way I can fight it is to focus on the things we can do. All the psychological theories I know don't give me even the faintest glimmer of the perpetrators motivation, It's beyond my understanding, and I almost hope that I never know.

To counter the effects of despair, and as a small step towards action, I'm breaking my own rule and actually asking people to donate to a specific cause. I don't generally do that, there are so many appeals out there and they are all such valid causes, that it can become a huge source of guilt that we can't each support all of them. I believe that people should choose the causes they feel passionate about and do what they can, and I have no right or desire to push my own charities as more worthy than another. I'm breaking this rule because in the face of such tragedy, doing something is an option. The link below is to a Huffington Post article that links to local organisations in Newtown.

The "fuck it, the world is broken beyond repair" response as described in The Onion feels true, but it isn't. There are people suffering right now, and local organisations are pouring resources into offering counselling and therapy. We can't fix the world in one leap, and individually we can feel that our own actions are so small as to be meaningless. This quote from Margaret Mead needs to be placed prominently in every public space, and held in mind whenever we feel powerless to help or cause real change:

"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has."

 http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/14/connecticut-elementary-school-shooting-how-to-help_n_2302760.html

The road to hell is paved with plastic pockets

The list of methods available to the dedicated procrastinator are endless. Today the growing, spreading, and, I believe, breeding piles of notes on my desk crossed the threshold that demanded action. Not content with merely irritating me, they began to slide and attack me. The anthropology notes were all jumbled in with the psychology notes, and produced a book about cross-cultural psychology that I had no recollection of borrowing from the library.

While tempted to leave them be and see whether they produced an entirely new field of academic study when left to their own devices, I was determined that I wouldn't be buried alive or bested by piles of paper and plastic pockets; I took action. I whipped out my trusty accordion files and ruthlessly segregated the lot, now safe between protective plastic barriers and no longer able to torment me.

While notes are useless if left to compost down without ever looking at them again, and some sense of organisation is essential, I've also decided that spending an hour sorting them elegantly and neatly is just a way to give myself a tremendous sense of productivity and accomplishment, without actually achieving anything. It's a dangerous way to procrastinate, because it feels like work, and it's something to do with uni. Ergo, I've been doing uni work. It's also a slippery slope! This decision that spending hours sorting notes is actually a waste of time now has me pondering whether to get an in-tray/out-tray, where I might procure one, or whether to use separate files for each subject. I'm wasting even more time considering what the optimum filing system might be, and writing a blog about it all, extending the procrastination period exponentially. 

I'll let you know how my new "shove it all in a draw until the holidays/the draw collapses" system works out.

Social Psyche and Serendipity

We've moved on to social psychology at university, one of my favourite areas. Today the nature of this units experiment and lab report was revealed, and the topic is.... [drumroll please]




























Self-esteem.


Strange perhaps, but I really do enjoy it when life throws funny little coincidences like that into our lives. At the very least, it reassures me that should I be wrong about the god hypothesis, then at least god has a marvellous sense of humour. Platypuses, the plural form of platypuses sounding so ludicrous, fossils and hobbit people; and delicious little coincidences that make you raise your eyebrows and smile at the same time.

Stigmas, smoking and support networks

Last weekend was basically a write-off.

I'd recently finished a course of antibiotics after a particularly nasty chest infection, and when I still felt pretty rough I thought that the infection hadn't completely cleared. But I was busy, so I just got on with things and ignored my increasing breathlessness and feelings of weakness. Friday morning I was due to sit an exam, but I realised soon after waking that I didn't feel right at all. Stepping out of the shower I felt faint and saw that my hands were shaking, and on the way to uni I realised that my spatial perception was off, and I was walking as close to the inside of the pavement as possible because I was scared that if I did faint, I would fall into traffic. During the exam, I felt awful - I know that I answered all the questions, but I have no recollection of what they were or how I processed them. Since I was seriously worried by this point, I got to the doctors that afternoon.

There was no infection - she diagnosed asthma. What I'd been experiencing that morning was an asthma attack, and it was lucky that I'd been given an inhaler to help with the chest infection and that I'd used it that morning, with no idea that what I was experiencing was an asthma attack.

Now there are two things you should know about me at this point:
1. I'm a smoker.
2. I have a history of anxiety and depression, rooted in low self-esteem.

This diagnosis floored me, and sent me into an acute anxiety attack that lasted the weekend. It was the most intense and extreme episode of anxiety I've ever experienced, and it was awful. I gave myself asthma by breathing poisons into my system voluntarily, and the guilt and shame added hugely to the intensity. I was scared and furious with myself, aware of my extreme reaction and then worried about my mental health as well as my physical health. I had another assignment due on Monday and I couldn't concentrate, I couldn't write, and the more I tried to read around the task and focus on it, the more I doubted myself and the more confused and frozen I became. This sparked more fury with myself and doubts that I could handle a degree, particularly in psychology, if my own mental health issues were going to incapacitate me.

It was horrible and scary, but on Sunday night I began sending emails to relevant people at university and started sorting things out on Monday. I've managed, with a lot of help from friends and staff at the university to start catching up with work that I was falling behind on, doing the readings I needed to do and getting myself organised. I've talked to the people at uni who can help me, or who needed to know what was going on so that they could support my studies, and I was brutally honest about what happened and how I felt about it, and what I'm planning to do now to get back on track. They've been unfailingly supportive and understanding, and have said encouraging things about my abilities and the way I'm handling the situation. I'm more informed about what support is available should I need it and what to do if I hit another bump. I feel more in control of the situation now that all that is done, which means I'm calmer and the anxiety has died down - I can focus again and be productive because it's all out in the open and I have a plan to catch up, with lots of offers of help and support when I need it from others, some of whom have only known me for a few weeks.

I also have an appointment for a session of hypnosis to try to quit smoking...Wish me luck! While I'm nervous about the idea of someone rummaging around in my brain, I'm willing to give it a go, it will be worth it if it frees me of the tobacco goblin.

The point to this post is to encourage others out there who read through my ramblings not to give up, not to be too hard on themselves if things do go wrong, and to let people know that in most cases, the vast majority of people are kind, accepting and supportive. Anxiety and depression are incredibly common, and admitting to having it doesn't make you crazy or weak. In fact, it can also help others - today I talked with a woman who is also on my course, and she seemed really stressed out about the workload. While trying to reassure her about the course and the support that was available, I also told her about my lost weekend and my diagnosis of anxiety and depression. She was very surprised, and said that she'd never have guessed - I come across as very confident when people first get to know me (I'm not sure why, but I've been told this before. Once people get to know me, they soon discover that I'm a quivering mass of neuroses and insecurities), and she opened up about her own issues and her life. We now have a connection and can support each other with the difficulties that come with studying and managing a mental health condition at the same time.

One of my biggest fears when I had more than one bout of depression and got a diagnosis of anxiety and depression was that I would be ill for the rest of my life, and never be free of it. I just wanted to be "normal", and the thought of facing another bout of depression was unbearable. That has probably been the biggest challenge, and the hardest thing to come to terms with. However after years of work and help from doctors and counsellors I began to accept that yes, I have a diagnosis of anxiety and depression, and yes, there is always a danger of a recurrence. But I have got to a point where I know what my triggers are, I know what works for me in helping to manage those triggers, and crucially - I know what to do when the worst happens and something goes wrong: I reach out for help, and I know that it's out there. I have a diagnosis, but it is something I manage, it doesn't define who I am, and I refuse to allow it to stop me from doing what I want to do.

Anxiety and depression are so common, but being able to talk about it so openly is difficult. There are, and will likely always be, people that will judge others for it. It leaves you incredibly vulnerable, and I have at times had it turned around and used as a weapon against me - to discredit my opinion or my feelings. But I've got to a point where I can be open about it, and someone who would use it against me isn't someone I would want in my life anyway, or whose opinion would matter to me. I can take the odd hit without taking it to heart, and I know that the people that are close to me accept me for who I am, the good and the bad. This mental health condition is a small part of who I am, and I don't regret the fact that it is. There was a time when I just wanted to be "normal" and wished it had never happened to me, but now it is so interwoven in my life and who I am, that I don't even know who I would be had I been born "normal." Most every quality I think I possess has both good and bad sides, and can be a character flaw or an asset, depending on the context and how I handle it. I am "too sensitive", but on the other hand I believe that this has helped shaped empathy. I've been through terrible anxiety and depression that has left me reeling and incapacitated at times, but then my battle to understand that and overcome it is what sparked my interest in and love for psychology, and has driven me to want to help others in similar situations. Without that and the lessons I've learned when battling my own inner demons, I wouldn't be who I am today, and after many years of work, I can say that I like who I am today. Why would I want to change who she is by removing one of the aspects that has helped to shape her?

The stigma that surrounds mental health issues is still very much alive, and keeps many of us scared to admit to problems for fear of being deemed "crazy" or weak, or for the very real possibility of discrimination. While we remain hidden away, the stigma continues to grow, and others don't realise that one in four people around them will have experienced a condition like anxiety and depression at some point in their lives. I've come to terms with who I am and I feel confident enough to speak openly about my issues: I want to fight that stigma, and the best way I can personally do that is to lay myself bare and encourage dialogue, knowing that I have a strong support network around me and the self-confidence to handle any consequences, good or bad. I don't ask nor suggest that others open themselves up to all and sundry in this way, since it's a very personal issue and I have opened this up to anyone on the internet who cares to read it! I do suggest and encourage anyone experiencing it to talk to someone though, and reach out for the help that is out there.

To conclude, I had an attack of anxiety and it was awful, but it was a blip instead of a slide into depression. It lasted three days, not weeks or months. Had this happened a few years ago, I would have hidden it as much as I could, tried to get on with it and catch up on my own and not told my uni what had happened, and it would have dragged on for weeks or months. I vividly remember how it was to carry that alone, afraid that I was crazy or that people would judge me, and getting lower and lower until I was drained and in a clinical depression. If anyone reading this is feeling that way, then please, reach out for help. Go to your doctor, go to a mental health professional, go to a friend or anyone you feel safe talking to and ask them to help you find professional support. You don't have to feel that way, you don't have to deal with it alone, and it can get better.

Thinking Block

Frozen in fear of GETTING IT WRONG, I've found myself delaying this first blog post. I've tried, believe me I've tried, but I've written, critiqued, erased and then delayed some more. Waiting for the time when the perfect words will come to me, and I'll be happy with whatever I've put together. The attempts have just not been good enough, so surely it's better not to post them at all?

I have to write my own opinion about an essay concerning mathematics, then discuss it in a group later this week. As a card-carrying sufferer of maths phobia, I've found this task impossible. So I've also delayed, procrastinated, read round and then given up on that as well. The fear of writing about it and getting it horribly wrong and looking like a fool have made me freeze and stop thinking.

I've finally found the block and I'm pushing at it, clambering over it and giving it the finger.
I'm so consumed with fear of getting it wrong and negative thoughts about myself and my abilities or lack thereof that I can hardly think about the problem at hand, let alone process the information. Not doing it at all isn't an option, and this brain freeze is only making the process harder. So what if I get it wrong? I'm trying, and anything I try and get wrong is better than avoiding it altogether. I won't learn a thing that way.

The same goes for this blog, except that here there is no right or wrong, only expression. I'm going to take Sark's advice and practice the art of being splendidly imperfect.